(Not) My Kinus Experience

From: Eli Rosenfeld
To: Shluchim Achdus

Dear Fathers,

So tell me, how is the longest weekend of the year going for you? I'll tell you what's going on here and let's compare notes. I'll start from the moment I gave each of my kids two bags of bissli, 2 slurpees, and a carton of bubble
gum. (Just so they would let mommy get on the plane without crying and tantruming.)

Then I realized I had 3 meetings planned for that evening. (With no babysitters around.) So, I stopped at a friends house, borrowed two boxes of videos and slipped them into the 8-dvd changer in my van. In between each meeting we made bathroom, slurpee refills and popcorn stops. By the 4th video they asked me if Mommy could stay in NY till Pesach!

Then we got home. I wasn't sure which kid takes a bath, shower or who's allowed to skip until erev shabbos. So, I threw them all into the bathroom, locked the door and said "you can't come out until you smell like shampoo!" I did chitas, rambam, and daf yomi when the first one finally came out. I told them all to just take their school uniform spray it with lysol and wear it again
tomorrow, Sunday and Monday. And if mommy is too tired on Monday night, we'll spray some more lysol and you can wear it Tuesday again. Another important rule. Do NOT remove your socks until mommy tells you to! For dinner they got hot dogs and french fries. I made enough to last till the purim seuda.

Friday after school we went shopping. I told each of the kids to be on the lookout for things we need and just put it in the cart. Well, if anybody needs cans of corn, pineapple, tomato paste, green beans and baked beans, please call me. You just have to pay for shipping. (It wont be cheap.) Also, for some reason I have a package of EVERY size diaper made. And from EACH brand. You can have those too. After the super market we went for lunch at the pizza
shop. 3 of my kids got more pizza on their shirts then into their intestines. So, I quickly ran to a store next door, got some brillo and bleach and voilà, they were ready for shabbos!

Erev shabbos all the kids helped with the vacuuming, mopping and cleaning etc. The carpet had a "shine" and smelled like Mr. Clean, and the floor was filthy but had no crumbs!! I put all the dishes, toys, vases, and backpacks into the dishwasher l'kovod shabbos. Then I put the backpacks into the dryer. They are now gonna be used as lunch boxes. I guess I put in too much bleach.(The lint thingie had a lot of colors and sandwich particles on it.) Oh well.

(Thanks to all those who told us how to light candles for shabbos. I followed all 8 dayos. Lit before my kids, then after my kids. I lit two then I lit the same amount as my wife. My kids made the brocha first then I made it first. I covered my eyes first then I didn't cover. I drove to shul then drove home and walked. I davened mincha first and then said "lamdayni chukecho, boruch shaim k'vod etc." I think I was yotzeh l'chol hadayos. Thanks again.)

You know how you can buy an "everything" bagel? Well, after Friday night seuda, my youngest's shirt was an "everything" shirt. So the choice was to go to shul tomorrow with that or with a Donald Duck T-shirt. The decision was easy. I just told her to turn it inside out and wear it tomorrow. The funny thing is, no one in shul noticed! (I forgot how often you're supposed to change underwear at that age. Therefore, bh, the hamper is pretty empty. (Although, the
house does smell a little funny.)

We didn't have the usual amount of guests on Shabbos and there was a lot of leftovers. So I put cold cuts, cholent and p'tcha in their lunches today. They also got yerushalmi kugel, kneidlach and gefilte fish for snacks. I hope the school doesn't have a problem with that. (Tip: Never give your young ones colorful food while wearing clothes they're going to wear the next day. I'm
telling you, my kids are in school wearing pants with polka dots! Bleach REALLY is only for whites! Now they tell me...)

I tried to sew a hem on my sons new pants. Now, he has a size 8 right leg and size 15 left leg. So, I put a bandana on his forehead and told him to act like the janitor. I'll let you know how that went. Also, up until this weekend I had no idea you can't polish suede shoes. Shouldn't a letter go out from the va'ad hakinus telling father's how to pack lunches, do laundry and prepare
for shabbo without causing chaos and hundreds of dollars of damage (and dental bills)?!

Another thing. Is it so bad if a child (10 or younger) shows up to school with two different socks? (They both have the same size holes in them.) Or two different shoes? (Both with laces.) Also, (quickly) how do you get cheezos and soda stains out of the recliner? Homework is muktzah, right? I want to surprise my wife tonight and make them dinner. Does corn chips, nougat rolls,
peanut chews and powerade make up a hearty/healthy dinner?

And finally. When your child does something wrong, like not being quiet for 4 days straight, or needing to eat more than once a day etc.; How long is too long for "timeout?" I told my son to go to his room for 8 hours. Was that too harsh? (He ended up falling asleep on the floor with a 1/2 a bag of twizzlers in his hand.) Also, I occasionally hear my wife threaten them with "washing their mouth out with soap." Do we REALLY do that? Which words? How much soap? Which soap? Is there a difference between Dial or Ivory? Bar, liquid or powder? I was afraid to do that. Instead, I made him eat an extra 11 hot dogs (and spinach!) He said he prefers the Ajax.


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